Many experts say that divorce is one of the most emotionally painful experiences an individual can encounter. I can attest to the fact that divorce is an overwhelming and stressful time full of decision making and adjusting to detangling your entire life from someone else’s. It can be even more overwhelming if you’re concerned about your children’s well being through the process.

It’s a roller coaster similar to losing a loved one who died. In fact, divorce has the same emotional stages of grief as the stages of grief for death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Frankly, whether you’re the initiator of the divorce or not, it is highly likely that you will experience all of these stages at some point.

Denial

We all want to believe that everything is ok in our lives. Denial is a form of protection that allows us to distance ourselves from the overwhelming reality that we are facing. It may be obvious to state this, but denial can be the biggest roadblock in the forward momentum of the divorce process.

Non-initiators often spend more time in this stage than the initiators do as they spend time trying to change their partner’s mind about getting divorced. Initiators, on the other hand, can experience this stage as they question their reason for starting the divorce process.

Anger

If someone has spent a lot of time in the denial stage suppressing their emotions about the divorce, they can be downright explosive when they enter into the anger stage. When we are stuck in anger, it is easy to make hostile or vindictive decisions. It is best to focus on the best interests of your family instead of making your decisions based purely on emotion.

Often, people in this stage are asking themselves why this is happening to them or how their spouse can do this to them. One of the key ways to shift our thinking during this stage is to change the question from why is this happening to me to why is this happening for me. This starts to move us from feeling like a victim to a place of empowerment.

Be patient with yourself, because this is a normal part of the divorce process.

Bargaining

Most often, the bargaining stage is the time where people are trying to fix the damage the divorce created. Non-initators often work harder to try to work out the marriage and make deals with their spouse to avoid the divorce. Initiators often question their decision and the consequences when they are in the bargaining stage.

Sometimes, when spouses are in this stage at the same time, they try to make the marriage work again. However, if the reasons for the divorce remain, they will likely not be able to make the marriage work.

Depression

Sadness and loneliness are normal parts of the grieving process, even if you are the one who initiated the divorce. Depression can be the longest and most difficult stage since reality has started to set in, and it can feel very overwhelming. The truth is that no matter how prepared we think we are, we cannot truly prepare emotionally for divorce. Like anger, this stage can affect us more than the other emotional stages.

Be sure to lean on your support system and accept help while you navigate this stage.

Acceptance

The acceptance stage can be a time of welcome change and empowerment for both parties during the divorce process.  Acceptance occurs when we truly understand that what has happened is real, and that we need to move past it. We may still experience anger or sadness, but we can start moving forward in the healing process with the mindset that our newly gained independence as a positive place to be.

When we’ve reached the stage of acceptance, we’re starting to find peace with the situation. Of course, we can slip back to any of the other stages, but we’re no longer consumed by those emotions.

Conclusion

It’s important during the divorce process to keep in mind that the length of time that it takes to go through all the emotional stages of divorce is different for everyone. We can go through each stage more than once, and in fact, many people do revisit these emotional stages throughout their divorce process. 

You will heal from this. 

You may find it easier to journey through these emotional stages if you shift your mindset from this being an ending to it being a beginning. Begin to focus on creating your new life. Start with the things you can control, and begin to create new hopes and dreams.

Get the support you need during your entire divorce process. Friends and family are wonderful, but don’t forget about coaches, therapists, and support groups.

Take it day by day, and trust that the pain will subside with time. Give yourself grace and kindness.