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While out exploring instagram a few months ago, I came across this amazing person who was sharing her vibrant art that revolved around her divorce. I immediately started following @divorce.art.heal because her work resonated so deeply with me. 

Eventually, I reached out to her to dig a little deeper into who she is and what her story is. I’m so glad I did, and I’m excited to introduce you to her and pass on her tips for getting started with art journaling as a means of self expression and processing emotions.

When Beth began art journaling, she was overwhelmed with the emotions surrounding her own divorce. Ironically, even though she is an art therapist, art journaling itself was a completely new way of processing her experience. Her therapist encouraged her to share her art when she felt ready.

Understandably, her immediate reaction to that suggestion was a firm no. However, her therapist planted the seed, and when the time came, she remembered that suggestion. Beth points out that she “didn’t know if she would ever have thought to do this if it weren’t form someone else commenting on how helpful her art could be for others.”

She was in overwhelm and art journaling was her visual outlet to process all those emotions we go through during divorce. It was meant purely for herself. She had no intentions of ever sharing her art – even her kids knew not to go into her journals. Beth found her art was a way to articulate the “tsunami of feelings” she couldn’t put into words. It was cathartic, an energy release that allowed her to continue moving forward in her healing process.

Lucky for us, Beth did get to the point of healing that made her feel the desire to share her art with the divorce community. As an art therapist and as a divorcee, Beth wanted to pass on to others the value of using art as a way to heal. Once she created @divorce.art.heal on Instagram, she began to see how much her art journaling has been resonating with others.

Getting Started

The supplies you need to get started with art journaling are pretty minimal: some kind of paper and something to make marks with. So grab anything: a sheet of paper, sketchbook, notebook, bullet pad – any paper will do. Then go find a pencil, colored pencils, pens, markers, crayons, paint – anything to start making marks.

Since this is about the process, not about the product, Beth says to be kind to yourself and to remember that “mistakes are not only allowed, but encouraged.”

Beth suggested starting with picking a feeling. What color is it? How big is it? Are there other colors? What kinds of lines or shapes does it feel like to you? Do you need to cut it with scissors or tear it with your hands?

If you’re more artistically inclined, feel free to create a full on drawing, collage, or painting. Is there a quote that seems right to include on your page? Go ahead and add it if that feels right to you.

The key is to do what it takes for you to process that feeling you chose. That may mean that all you do is scribble on the page. That’s wonderful. Whatever feels right to you is the right way to go. 

Art journaling is about self expression and letting the heavy emotions out. It’s also a great activity when you’re looking for an outlet for emotions that could possibly escalate certain situations in a divorce to places that won’t be helpful to you.

The only rules to art journaling are:

-This is for your eyes only, unless you CHOOSE to share your art with someone. This is only for you.

-Create a no judgement zone for your art journaling. Allow yourself the safety net for health self expression and emotional release.

-Own your work.

Conclusion

Beth had stressed to me throughout our conversation that “art journaling is about the process, not the product.” She urges anyone getting started to remember this about you and your healing process. It doesn’t need to be fancy, you don’t need to be an artist, it doesn’t need to be expensive, and it can take as much or as little time that you’d like.

In looking back at her art journals, Beth expressed to me what a gift they are truly are:

“In documenting my journey this way, I’ve been able too ee the change in my art and my well being. It’s rewarding to see the growth. I can see a piece of journaling and remember the feelings, but I’m not inside of it any more.”

As Beth continues to grow and heal, she finds that her art has evolved toward being more future oriented. Goals, positivity, and self care makes themselves loud and clear in her artwork now. Yet another sign of growth and healing.

I urge you to go follow Beth on Instagram @divorce.art.heal to be inspired by her art journaling. Don’t be afraid to dip your to in the water of this type of emotional processing. You just may find it’s exactly what you need to move forward in your own healing.

Many experts say that divorce is one of the most emotionally painful experiences an individual can encounter. I can attest to the fact that divorce is an overwhelming and stressful time full of decision making and adjusting to detangling your entire life from someone else’s. It can be even more overwhelming if you’re concerned about your children’s well being through the process.

It’s a roller coaster similar to losing a loved one who died. In fact, divorce has the same emotional stages of grief as the stages of grief for death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Frankly, whether you’re the initiator of the divorce or not, it is highly likely that you will experience all of these stages at some point.

Denial

We all want to believe that everything is ok in our lives. Denial is a form of protection that allows us to distance ourselves from the overwhelming reality that we are facing. It may be obvious to state this, but denial can be the biggest roadblock in the forward momentum of the divorce process.

Non-initiators often spend more time in this stage than the initiators do as they spend time trying to change their partner’s mind about getting divorced. Initiators, on the other hand, can experience this stage as they question their reason for starting the divorce process.

Anger

If someone has spent a lot of time in the denial stage suppressing their emotions about the divorce, they can be downright explosive when they enter into the anger stage. When we are stuck in anger, it is easy to make hostile or vindictive decisions. It is best to focus on the best interests of your family instead of making your decisions based purely on emotion.

Often, people in this stage are asking themselves why this is happening to them or how their spouse can do this to them. One of the key ways to shift our thinking during this stage is to change the question from why is this happening to me to why is this happening for me. This starts to move us from feeling like a victim to a place of empowerment.

Be patient with yourself, because this is a normal part of the divorce process.

Bargaining

Most often, the bargaining stage is the time where people are trying to fix the damage the divorce created. Non-initators often work harder to try to work out the marriage and make deals with their spouse to avoid the divorce. Initiators often question their decision and the consequences when they are in the bargaining stage.

Sometimes, when spouses are in this stage at the same time, they try to make the marriage work again. However, if the reasons for the divorce remain, they will likely not be able to make the marriage work.

Depression

Sadness and loneliness are normal parts of the grieving process, even if you are the one who initiated the divorce. Depression can be the longest and most difficult stage since reality has started to set in, and it can feel very overwhelming. The truth is that no matter how prepared we think we are, we cannot truly prepare emotionally for divorce. Like anger, this stage can affect us more than the other emotional stages.

Be sure to lean on your support system and accept help while you navigate this stage.

Acceptance

The acceptance stage can be a time of welcome change and empowerment for both parties during the divorce process.  Acceptance occurs when we truly understand that what has happened is real, and that we need to move past it. We may still experience anger or sadness, but we can start moving forward in the healing process with the mindset that our newly gained independence as a positive place to be.

When we’ve reached the stage of acceptance, we’re starting to find peace with the situation. Of course, we can slip back to any of the other stages, but we’re no longer consumed by those emotions.

Conclusion

It’s important during the divorce process to keep in mind that the length of time that it takes to go through all the emotional stages of divorce is different for everyone. We can go through each stage more than once, and in fact, many people do revisit these emotional stages throughout their divorce process. 

You will heal from this. 

You may find it easier to journey through these emotional stages if you shift your mindset from this being an ending to it being a beginning. Begin to focus on creating your new life. Start with the things you can control, and begin to create new hopes and dreams.

Get the support you need during your entire divorce process. Friends and family are wonderful, but don’t forget about coaches, therapists, and support groups.

Take it day by day, and trust that the pain will subside with time. Give yourself grace and kindness.

Recently, in a discussion with a woman going through divorce, she expressed how her anger over the whole situation was getting in the way of making headway in her divorce negotiations. I gave her some suggestions on how to cope with her anger so she’d be able to keep moving forward in both her divorce process and her emotional recovery.

There are so many positive ways that you can deal with you anger (instead of letting it rule you!), that I had to share them here with you.

Release The Energy

For many people, holding the anger in only makes it worse. The key to releasing your anger is to do it in a non-destructive way in an appropriate setting. I till not help you in the long run to unleash your anger ONTO someone else, no matter how much you may feel they “deserve” it. 

This, my friend, is about you, not them.

If your anger is specifically directed at another human being, releasing the energy of that anger should not be towards them or to them. The truth is that they likely are already well aware of your anger toward them.

As always, the only person you can change is yourself. Releasing ehe energy is the first step to stop carrying it around with you, and to start healing yourself.

Ok, you’re on board. So what does this mean to release the anger in a non-destructive way in an appropriate setting? Find some time alone or with a trusted friend, and try some of the following ways of releasing the anger:

• Talk
• Scream
• Sing
• Cry
• Stretch
• Exercise
• Write
• Paint
• Create music

Once you’ve gotten some of that anger actually out of your body, take a moment to acknowledge the work you did and offer a word of gratitude to yourself for releasing that energy and taking another step toward healing and recovery.

In The Moment

There may be many times during the divorce process that you feel anger rearing its head, looking to control the situation. It’s not in your best interest, either in the moment or in the long run, to unleash that anger full-throttle. While you don’t want to ignore your anger, the key here is to express your anger calmly.

If you know a certain anger-inducing topic will come up, you can find a trusted friend or coach to practice your response. But what about those times when you’re caught off guard? Here are a few tips:

• Inwardly acknowledge your anger and choose to react calmly.
• Count to 10, or 100 if you must, before responding. Focus on your breath.
• Choose your battles. Is this really something that anger needs to be expressed about in the moment? Yes? Then, continue on calmly. If not, let it go.
• If you determine you must continue on and express your anger in the moment, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, try: “I’m feeling angry right now, because I feel like I’m not being heard about what’s important to me in this discussion.” Avoid: “You never listen to what I’m saying.” Using “I” statements removes laying direct blame on the other person and can therefore remove defensive retaliatory comments, thus potentially diffusing the situation. It also allows you to tell the other person what you need to move forward in the situation. In this example, you need to be heard, express what you need, and feel listened to.
• Take a time out. It’s ok to request a time out in a situation when you feel enough anger than you can’t continue calmly. Request the time out. Be specific about when the conversation will continue. Honor that promise by returning when you said you would in a calm manner.

Recovery Period

When your body, brain, and emotions have gotten amped up on anger, you need some ways to get the adrenaline moving out of your body. In addition to the techniques mentioned above for releasing the energy, try some of these to return to a more calm and centered self:

• Breathing
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Repeating a mantra such as “I’m ok” or “take it easy”
• Meditation
• Laughter
• Gratitude

Professional Help

Everyone needs help at some point in their lives. The truth is that the sooner you ask for help, the faster you can begin to recover and heal.

Therapy and support groups are a phenomenal way to process your feelings and begin to understand them more fully. Between in-person and online therapy and support groups, you have a ton of options for whatever you feel most comfortable with.

In addition to therapy and support groups, working with a divorce coach like me can help you take action and work on personal growth.

Re-examining your core beliefs, identifying personal patterns of action and reaction, and discovering those “buttons” that get pushed can help you shift your mindset, boost your self-esteem, forgive yourself and others, and move on.

On top of all that, a divorce coach can help you practice ways of dealing with your anger in the moment. You’ll find yourself learning how to actively diffuse your anger and the situation you’re in, as well as bring compassion to the discussion. You’ll be well on your way to healing and recovery.

Conclusion

Once you begin to practice these techniques, you’re going to find that your anger is no longer controlling you. You’re going to feel so much better.

I’m not saying you won’t feel anger. You will. It’s a natural and normal feeling for humans, especially in times of stress and fear.

However, instead of anger getting in the way of you moving forward with your recovery process and divorce negotiations: you’ll be able to acknowledge it, honor it, and allow it to begin to pass.

I’d love to talk more about how I can help you cope with your anger. If you’d like to discuss how to begin implementing these techniques, please click here to book a free call with me.