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  • Self Care During Stressful Times

    Self Care During Stressful Times

    Self care is a conscious act you take to promote your physical, mental, and emotional health. Engaging in activities that promote your wellness helps build resilience when you’re in stressful situations that you can’t eliminate. This means (and please read this twice, girl) self care is a priority, not a luxury, to enable you to be as well-equipped as possible to handle the challenges life brings your way.

    Physical Self Care

    Physical self care covers everything from what you’re eating, how much exercise you’re doing, how much sleep you’re getting, and staying in charge of your physical health by taking any required medications and visiting your doctors on a regular basis. Reviewing these specific areas of your daily routines can give you a roadmap of how to engage in more physical self care.

    Mental Self Care

    Mental self care covers keeping your brain engaged with learning, staying mentally healthy, and even maintaining a positive mindset. Making time for the things that stimulate your mind and practicing the things that create good mental health (gratitude, compassion, self-acceptance, forgiveness, etc) can increase your ability to deal with life’s challenges. Examine these areas to decide what you can improved upon to engage in more mental self care.

    Emotional Self Care

    Emotional self care covers the things that create a stronger emotional intelligence such as having healthy coping skills to deal with strong or difficult emotions, as well as being able to express your emotions in a healthy way. Setting time aside to process your emotions in a healthy way can help you build your emotional self care practice.

    Creating A Personalized Self Care Plan

    Everyone should be practicing self care to enhance their well-being, especially during stressful times. The key is to create a plan that best serves you and your needs. What I do for self care may not resonate with you – and that’s ok! You may also find that as your situation changes, your self care needs will change also.

    Take time to review your life, starting with the physical, mental, and emotional aspects listed above. Where do you need to incorporate more attention in your life? Go for it – rely on your gut for this one, girl.

    Just choose one small step towards change. There’s no need to change everything at once – that’s way too overwhelming! The important thing is to choose one thing that make you feel good. Make the time to do that one thing on a regular basis. As you incorporate that one self care item into your daily life, you’ll find your ability to deal with everyday challenges and stressful situations much easier.

    I’d love to hear what you normally do for your own self care, as well as what you’re planning to incorporate into your life over the next few weeks. Please leave a comment below.

    P.S. If you’re looking for some specific self care ideas, fill out this form to download a free cheat sheet of examples:

  • Letters To The Universe

    Letters To The Universe

    Earlier this week, I had the pleasure of a socially distanced visit with one of my dear friends about how gratitude changes the whole trajectory of our days. She and I agree that gratitude and breathing have helped us both feel mentally healthier during the past few months. I was telling her that one of the ways that I consciously bring gratitude into my life is through my daily Letters to the Universe.

    You may have heard of letters to the universe before, especially if you’re familiar with manifestation techniques or the law of attraction (what you focus on returns to you). The basic idea is that you write a letter requesting whatever you’d like to happen in your life and get ready for it to happen. Because of my personal beliefs about how life works, my method of writing includes a few different things other than just asking for what I want. 

    What I Include In My Letters To The Universe

    Start with gratitude. I always begin my letters listing off as many things as possible that I am grateful for. I do cap myself at five things, because I’ve gotten pretty good coming up with things I am grateful for! Don’t overthink this. If you’re grateful for a bubble bath, say it.  If you’re grateful for your health, say it. I like to mix it up from letter to letter.

    State where you are right now in life (optional). If journaling is your thing, you might find it beneficial to tell the universe what’s going on for you right now in the moment. Explain what is leading up to your request.

    State your fears (optional). Similar to stating where you are right now in your life, you may find that stating your fears is helpful to get a wrangle on them. For a lot of people, seeing your fears in black and white can minimize them.

    Ask for what you want. Now is the time to tell the universe exactly what you want. No need to beat around the bush. Be clear and be precise. 

    Affirmations (optional). This is my time to get in touch with my ultra energizing part of myself. I write out my affirmations. Remember to use the present tense. For example, instead of writing I will be a good parent today, state I am a good parent today.

    End with gratitude. Thank the universe for helping you reach your goals and bringing your desired result to you. This can be as specific as nearly restating what you want to a very simple thank you.

    You can make these as long or as short as you want. I’ve seen letters that literally stated the person’s problem, requested a solution, and ended with thanks. Example: 

    Dear Universe, I am feeling particularly overwhelmed today worrying about my big project at work. Guide me to complete the project in a timely manner using all of the resources available to me. Thank you.

    After You’ve Written Your Letter

    When you’ve finished writing your letter, it’s time to believe that it will happen and let it go. If you have action that you can take to make your desires come to pass, this is the time to do it. The energy of your expressed gratitude will be moving through you and help motivate you to take any actions that can get your closer to your desired outcome.

    One of the best things about letters to the universe is that you cannot do it wrong. Tailor the process to what fits you best. If writing a letter each day brings you motivation and focus for the day like it does for me, go for it! If you prefer to write a letter every once in awhile, go for it! This is a transforming activity that can only help you make your life look and feel the way you want it to. So, how do you do your letters to the universe? Let me know in the comments below!

  • Holiday Advice From Divorced Moms

    Holiday Advice From Divorced Moms

    It’s gearing up to the winter holidays over here, and as always, when this time of year comes, I find myself thinking back to past years and how far I’ve come. Thanksgiving 2012 was the first holiday I spent any time away from my children. It was just two short weeks after learning I would be getting a divorce, and my emotions were beyond raw. I truly was still trying to make it through each moment emotionally. Thanks to time passing, I have healed, but I still have a bittersweet feeling about Thanksgiving – one of my most favorite holidays. It’s the kickoff of tons of family time and hey, that food, right? 

    Once I stopped obsessing over Thanksgiving food, I started thinking about what would be helpful for someone just starting the divorce process. I knew I wanted to tell you about how my holidays have morphed, but wanted to give you some other healthy examples of how you can survive and thrive during the holidays as you go through all these changes.

    Because I am so lucky to have an incredible group of women that I am friends with, I got on the horn with two lovely divorced ladies to see what their experiences were. Both Nicole and Lori were excited to share their experiences to help other moms deal with those first holidays going through a divorce or as a divorced mom. 

    My Holiday Experiences

    As you know I have two kiddos, now ages 14 and 18 but at the time of my separation and divorce were only 6 and 10. That first Thanksgiving, my children were only gone for a few hours while they went to visit their grandparents and other family members with their dad. It was hard. My family was here to support me the best that I could during those loooong few hours of the kids being gone, and I created a new tradition for myself: I watch Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. It’s silly, and mindless, and exactly what I needed that day. I was feeling all the feelings that day, but now, Scott is a Thanksgiving tradition (and yes, I force my family and kids to watch it with me when I am with them on Thanksgiving, too!).

    The first Christmas Eve, my ex-husband came to the house to be with the kids, and he came back before they woke up Christmas morning. After opening presents, he and the kids went to visit his family for the day. I took that time to leisurely clean up and just relax.  Honestly, it was the first Christmas as a parent that I got to look at my presents on Christmas Day! And I took a bubble bath!! I definitely pampered myself to get through that day.  I wasn’t as raw as I was on Thanksgiving and knew that healing was occurring.

    Now, we exchange the kids each year for the holidays and it rotates each year as to who gets what days, but it works for all of us. The kids enjoy it, and we celebrate when we are together. Sure, we have changed some things.  For example, my kids don’t dig eating Thanksgiving meal twice within a few days (they are insane). So, when I have them for the weekend following Thanksgiving, we have a big family meal, but its not the traditional meal – we go with favorites that make us all feel super happy.

    The transitions weren’t easy emotionally because the holidays were so close to everything being set in motion. But, because my ex-husband and I immediately put a parenting plan into place, there was no arguing or difficulty in knowing where the kids were to be.

    This year, things are a little different for us, because of the coronavirus. I will be spending Thanksgiving with my kids at their dad’s house. It will be a lot of fun, because we all enjoy being together and spend time together fairly regularly. Christmas plans with family are still up in the air, but the kids know they will be with their dad Christmas Eve and with me Christmas Day. While we are hopeful we will be able to see family, we just don’t know if that will work for us yet.

    Lori’s Holiday Experiences

    Now let me tell you about Lori’s experiences. Lori is the mom of two kiddos, now ages 18 and 21 but at the time of her separation and divorce were only 10 and 13. As those first winter holidays approached, they kept things as close as possible to what they had been before their separation and divorce. They had always gone to her family’s home for Thanksgiving, so that’s what they did that first year. For Christmas Eve, he spent the day with the kids and Lori at their prior home together with Lori’s family joining them. Christmas morning, he was back before the kids woke up, so that he was in their living room waiting for them, just like always.

    For the first few holidays, her ex-husband continued to come to her family’s celebrations just like when they were married. Now that the kids are bigger, and time has allowed everyone to move on a bit, he doesn’t go to her family’s house for holiday celebrations. However, some traditions have remained, even as her kids have reached adulthood. He still comes to Christmas Eve at Lori’s to celebrate with the kids and her family, and he still comes over Christmas morning before the kids wake up and come downstairs.

    For Lori and her ex-husband, these transitions during the holidays has been natural and pretty easy, because they continue to get along and enjoy one another’s company.

    Nicole’s Holiday Experiences

    Now for Nicole’s experiences. Nicole is also the mom of two kiddos, now ages 7 and 9, but at the time of her separation and divorce they were only 4 and 6. Nicole credits her and her ex-husband’s ability to get along so well with both of them being modeled as kids what healthy divorce relationships can look like. Because both experienced their parents’ divorce relationship in a positive way, Nicole and her ex-husband were easily able to do the same for themselves and their children during their separation and divorce. Their first holidays were spent all together, including visiting family, just as they had always done.

    Their current holidays have become a bit more fluid. Nicole’s ex-husband does shift-work, so they work around that to ensure that he and the kids have time together over the holidays. In addition, Nicole is now dating and living with a man who also is divorced and has two tweens with his ex-wife. That’s a whole lot of logistics to work out!

    No matter how the holidays work out logistically with Nicole’s boyfriend’s ex-wife and children, Nicole takes her kids to visit her ex-husband at the firehouse on Thanksgiving. This year, Nicole will have her kids on Christmas Eve, and then the kids will go with their dad on Christmas Day. Nicole stressed the importance to her that her ex-husband and her boyfriend’s ex-wife are always invited to join in when their kids are with Nicole and her boyfriend. Nicole recognizes that it’s not easy to know your kids are hanging out with other adults when you want them to be with you, so she wants to be sure that the ex-spouses always feel welcome.

    These two women have such great insight and advice. What I noticed about both is that they each did exactly what their kids needed to feel safe, secure, and loved by both of their parents. They were able to create healthy relationships with their ex-spouses that work for everyone involved. 

    And Now For Some Advice

    When I was talking with Lori and Nicole, I noticed that all of us had the same priorities: our children and our continued relationships with our ex-spouses.

    Lori had this advice to share with you:

    If it’s your first holiday going through divorce, keep everything the same. Don’t try to do things different if you’re getting along with your ex (especially if your kiddos are little guys). Over time, create your own traditions, knowing that time naturally changes the way we do things.

    A cute story that she shared is about the first year she told the kids she wanted to put colored lights on the tree instead of the white lights they had always had.  Both kids were not on board, and even to this day, they state they prefer when they have the white lights. The point isn’t that making changes can be difficult. The point is that even small changes can have big feelings attached to them, especially for our kids. Changing up everything may not give them the feeling of stability that they crave when their world has been changing just as much, if not more, than yours. So, keep in mind that making changes slowly may be more beneficial to your kids than doing a complete overhaul of the holidays.

    If you’re having your first holiday without your children, Lori urges you to celebrate together another day, and try to enjoy the peace and quiet of your day. Take care of yourself and pamper yourself while your children are with their other parent.

    Nicole had this advice for you:

    Your kids are the most important thing, so you need to remember this, and check yourself if you have to. Kids pick up on your energy and feelings.  It’s our jobs as parents of younger kids to hide that from them. Yes, you’re sad, but protect them from that – they’ve already gone through so much. So put on your “big mom pants of selflessness” and protect them. Allow and encourage them to be happy to be happy to be with the other parent. When you see your kids are less sad about what’s happening in their lives, you know you’re doing the right thing.

    Keep in mind also not to guilt the other parent they are with because they have the kids for a holiday. Moms and dads both have pain missing their kids on holidays. Adjusting your expectations and feelings about the holidays can have a huge impact on your relationship with your ex-spouse, as well as how your children experience holidays for the rest of their lives.

    When you have a holiday that you don’t have your kids with you, take that time to find yourself and go do what makes you happy. Having that time is a blessing to you as an individual, so use it to make yourself happy.

    Based on my experience, I can only add the following:

    Remember that you know your children best. If you make your decisions on what is best for them, then you won’t question your decisions later as you grow and heal. Be kind to one another and encourage your children and your ex-spouse to create the relationships they want with one another.

    Be easy on yourself. Be easy on your ex-spouse. We are all just trying to do the best we can with where we are in this moment.

    If you’re having your first holiday without your children, do what is best for you while they are gone. Do you want to be with family? Friends? Don’t be afraid to ask for support. Remember that your friends and family aren’t going through what you’re going through. They are caught up in their own lives (as are you!) and may not see that you need something from them.  Pamper yourself, and treat yourself like you’d treat your best friend. 

    I’d love to hear what your first experiences were going through separation and divorce as a mom, so please feel free to leave a comment below. As usual, if you need more support, I am always here.

  • Building A Gratitude Practice Email Challenge Registration Open

    Building A Gratitude Practice Email Challenge Registration Open

    If you read my blog post called 10 Benefits of Gratitude, then you already know that a daily gratitude practice can improve your physical health, reduce stress, and boost your mental health. I want to help you feel those benefits and more in your life, girl!

    During the month of November, I am offering a FREE email challenge that will help you build a gratitude practice that fits into your life. In this challenge, you will spend just a small time each day for two weeks learning and implementing new techniques for enhancing your gratitude.

    If you sign up, you can take advantage of this often overlooked tool to improve your quality of life. Sign up here to get started today!

  • 10 Benefits of Gratitude

    10 Benefits of Gratitude

    Gratitude is an incredibly powerful positive emotion that has lasting beneficial effects in all the areas of our lives. Our health, emotions, social life, and even our career can benefit from a daily gratitude practice.  An attitude of gratitude not just stops negativity in its tracks, but also creates a positivity loop: as we express gratitude, we feel more gratitude, express even more gratitude, and so on and so on. 

    In addition to my nightly mental review of what I’m thankful for having experienced that day, I’ve been spending five minutes each morning actually writing out things I am grateful for since the beginning of October. I’ve seen huge changes since integrating my evening thankfulness into my life, so I wasn’t expecting much of a change by writing things out each morning, but I was wrong! Starting my day with a list of things I am grateful for creates a sense of well being and motivation that gets my day running full force and makes me more aware of more things I am grateful for throughout my days.

    I swear there must be a thousand benefits of gratitude, but I figured just starting with ten might get you motivated to start creating a daily attitude of gratitude in your life.  So here’s a quick list for you:

    • Better Sleep: Instead of focusing on your worry or anxiety, think about the things you’re grateful for. This tiny shift in mindset allows our body to leave the tense “fight or flight” mode and induces the body’s relaxation response. Being grateful allows you to fall asleep faster, get better sleep quality, and sleep longer. 
    • More Energy: On top of better sleep giving you more energy, gratitude itself actually increases your physical and mental well being which increases your energy. Again, that positive loop thing I talked about earlier kicks in here: increased gratitude leads to more energy leads to more gratitude.
    • More Relaxed: Even if you’re not trying to go to sleep, spending time focusing on your gratitude allows the body’s relaxation response to kick in. So if you find yourself focused on worry or stress during the day, take a moment to breathe and be grateful for a few things. Like other positive emotions, gratitude is just a natural relaxant.
    • Less Envy: Envy can easily be defined as the combination of jealousy and inadequacy. When you focus on what you are grateful for, you remove jealousy of others and kill feelings of inadequacy. Gratitude and envy cannot exist within us at the same time. The more time you’re focused on gratitude, the less time you’re spending feeling jealous and inadequate.
    • More Friendly: Experiencing someone else’s gratitude helps us perceive kindness and we tend to want to reciprocate kindness and gratitude. In general, increased happiness and increased energy that gratitude creates are linked to pro-social behaviors, making us feel and act more friendly to people.
    • Deeper Relationships: Similar to feeling more friendly, gratitude increases feelings of appreciation for and feeling appreciated by our friends. The better we feel, the more likely we are to contribute to deeper and lasting relationships through showing our appreciation toward our friends and family.
    • More Optimistic: Since optimism is a focus on the good rather than the bad, it’s easy to see that gratitude has a strong correlation with optimism. The more gratitude we express and feel, the more we are able to believe that our life is good. And if our current life is good, then it makes sense to believe future life will be good. See how that optimism kicked in there?
    • Less Materialistic: When you experience and express gratitude more, you will find yourself comparing yourself to others and what you have to what others have a lot less frequently than you did before. As you compare less, you will find your insecurity and materialism naturally begin to disappear.
    • Improved Decision Making: Let’s face it, decision making is exhausting. Thankfully, gratitude gives us a boost in energy and motivation that allows making decisions a much easier process.
    • Increased Productivity: Here is a simple gratitude math equation for you. Gratitude-increased self-esteem plus gratitude-decreased insecurity equals more focus and more productivity.

    I won’t lie to you – it takes time to develop the habit of gratitude. However, it doesn’t need to take up a lot of time each day. Just by journaling five minutes a day about what you’re grateful for will show a massive affect in your life within just a few months. When you consider how many benefits there are to having a gratitude practice, it’s hard to deny that gratitude is an incredible tool to improve our daily happiness.

    Want to build a gratitude practice? Click here to sign up for my FREE Building A Gratitude Practice Email Challenge.

  • 3 Common Questions About Parenting Plans

    3 Common Questions About Parenting Plans

    When my ex-husband and I started our divorce process, the first thing we did was create a parenting plan that immediately created a sense of stability and routine for both us and our children during a time of great upheaval. We were able to create a plan that was truly customized for what would be most beneficial for our kiddos. 

    On top of creating a framework for what our lives as coparents would look like, our plan saved us from having the figure things out as we moved along through that first of “everything is changed”. Not only that, the creation of a mutually agreeable parenting plan proved to both of us that we would be able to work together to created the kind of life we both wanted for our children. 

    Since then, I’ve introduced several newly-separated mommas to the idea of putting a parenting plan in place as soon as possible during the divorce process. This will provide some peace in a time of high anxiety, and to feel some confidence that things will work out in the end. This post answers the three questions that they all had when I first mentioned the phrase “parenting plan”.

    What Is A Parenting Plan?

    A parenting plan is a legal document either created by parents and approved by a judge OR created by a judge if parents cannot agree on a plan. The document is an agreement detailing exactly how the parents will continue to care for, provide for, and raise their minor children. It is required in divorce cases involving minor children, and is often required in other child custody cases.

    What Should Be Included In The Agreement?

    At its minimum, a parenting plan will include:

    • Legal and physical custody agreements
    • Parental responsibilities agreements
    • Visitation schedules, including daily living schedules and holiday and vacation agreements

    However, the more detailed your parenting plan is, the smoother your coparenting will go. Because of this, your attorney will likely encourage you to include:

    • Medical care costs and decisions agreements
    • Education plans, including college expense responsibilities agreements
    • Extra-curricular plans, including expense responsibilities
    • Child care plans and expense responsibilities
    • Transportation agreements
    • Parental relocation agreements
    • Communication between parents regarding children agreements
    • Plan for how parenting disagreements will be handled

    There may be more items depending on your situation, so be sure to have an attorney walk you through this process.  It seems like a lot, but its much easier to deal with it now rather than as each new event occurs.

    What Does A Judge Consider If Parents Aren’t Able To Agree On A Plan?

    Even if you can’t agree on everything, your attorney will likely want you to submit what you have come up with to the judge. Submitting a parenting plan shows that you and your spouse do have your children’s best interests at hand and want to coparent. I am not an attorney, so I don’t know everything that a judge considers when creating a parenting plan for parents who can’t agree, but I do know that some of the things are:

    • Children’s ages and maturity level
    • Each parent’s financial ability to provide for the children
    • Each parent’s physical, mental, and emotional health
    • Each parent’s custody preferences
    • Children’s custody preference, if they are mature enough to give input

    Please be sure to speak with your attorney if you have more questions about this.

    Tips For Creating A Parenting Plan

    • Be reasonable about the agreements that you’re trying to make, but be clear about any concerns you may have.
    • Remember that the goal of the plan is to create a stable and supportive environment for your child.
    • Understand your child’s best interests and tailor your agreements to meet your children’s those needs.
    • Make your plan detailed enough to be useful, but include enough flexibility to be realistic.
    • Consider scheduling an annual review of the plan over the first few years of its use.
    • Have a plan for communicating with your children while they are with the other parent (and vice versa), especially if they are too young to have their own phones or devices.
    • Create your parenting plan as soon as you can to make the changes of the divorce process easier on your kids by providing routine and stability.

    Keep in mind that everyone’s situation is different. I absolutely encourage you to have an attorney to walk you through this process. You want to be sure that you’ve covered all the important areas of your child’s life, and that you get all of your questions about parenting plans answered.

    While I can’t specifically help you create your plan, I can coach you through the process of examining your goals and coach you through the communication side of the planning process.  If you’d like to talk more about how I could help you through the parenting plan aspect of your divorce process, please schedule a call with me by clicking here.