Recently, in a discussion with a woman going through divorce, she expressed how her anger over the whole situation was getting in the way of making headway in her divorce negotiations. I gave her some suggestions on how to cope with her anger so she’d be able to keep moving forward in both her divorce process and her emotional recovery.

There are so many positive ways that you can deal with you anger (instead of letting it rule you!), that I had to share them here with you.

Release The Energy

For many people, holding the anger in only makes it worse. The key to releasing your anger is to do it in a non-destructive way in an appropriate setting. I till not help you in the long run to unleash your anger ONTO someone else, no matter how much you may feel they “deserve” it. 

This, my friend, is about you, not them.

If your anger is specifically directed at another human being, releasing the energy of that anger should not be towards them or to them. The truth is that they likely are already well aware of your anger toward them.

As always, the only person you can change is yourself. Releasing ehe energy is the first step to stop carrying it around with you, and to start healing yourself.

Ok, you’re on board. So what does this mean to release the anger in a non-destructive way in an appropriate setting? Find some time alone or with a trusted friend, and try some of the following ways of releasing the anger:

• Talk
• Scream
• Sing
• Cry
• Stretch
• Exercise
• Write
• Paint
• Create music

Once you’ve gotten some of that anger actually out of your body, take a moment to acknowledge the work you did and offer a word of gratitude to yourself for releasing that energy and taking another step toward healing and recovery.

In The Moment

There may be many times during the divorce process that you feel anger rearing its head, looking to control the situation. It’s not in your best interest, either in the moment or in the long run, to unleash that anger full-throttle. While you don’t want to ignore your anger, the key here is to express your anger calmly.

If you know a certain anger-inducing topic will come up, you can find a trusted friend or coach to practice your response. But what about those times when you’re caught off guard? Here are a few tips:

• Inwardly acknowledge your anger and choose to react calmly.
• Count to 10, or 100 if you must, before responding. Focus on your breath.
• Choose your battles. Is this really something that anger needs to be expressed about in the moment? Yes? Then, continue on calmly. If not, let it go.
• If you determine you must continue on and express your anger in the moment, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, try: “I’m feeling angry right now, because I feel like I’m not being heard about what’s important to me in this discussion.” Avoid: “You never listen to what I’m saying.” Using “I” statements removes laying direct blame on the other person and can therefore remove defensive retaliatory comments, thus potentially diffusing the situation. It also allows you to tell the other person what you need to move forward in the situation. In this example, you need to be heard, express what you need, and feel listened to.
• Take a time out. It’s ok to request a time out in a situation when you feel enough anger than you can’t continue calmly. Request the time out. Be specific about when the conversation will continue. Honor that promise by returning when you said you would in a calm manner.

Recovery Period

When your body, brain, and emotions have gotten amped up on anger, you need some ways to get the adrenaline moving out of your body. In addition to the techniques mentioned above for releasing the energy, try some of these to return to a more calm and centered self:

• Breathing
• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Repeating a mantra such as “I’m ok” or “take it easy”
• Meditation
• Laughter
• Gratitude

Professional Help

Everyone needs help at some point in their lives. The truth is that the sooner you ask for help, the faster you can begin to recover and heal.

Therapy and support groups are a phenomenal way to process your feelings and begin to understand them more fully. Between in-person and online therapy and support groups, you have a ton of options for whatever you feel most comfortable with.

In addition to therapy and support groups, working with a divorce coach like me can help you take action and work on personal growth.

Re-examining your core beliefs, identifying personal patterns of action and reaction, and discovering those “buttons” that get pushed can help you shift your mindset, boost your self-esteem, forgive yourself and others, and move on.

On top of all that, a divorce coach can help you practice ways of dealing with your anger in the moment. You’ll find yourself learning how to actively diffuse your anger and the situation you’re in, as well as bring compassion to the discussion. You’ll be well on your way to healing and recovery.

Conclusion

Once you begin to practice these techniques, you’re going to find that your anger is no longer controlling you. You’re going to feel so much better.

I’m not saying you won’t feel anger. You will. It’s a natural and normal feeling for humans, especially in times of stress and fear.

However, instead of anger getting in the way of you moving forward with your recovery process and divorce negotiations: you’ll be able to acknowledge it, honor it, and allow it to begin to pass.

I’d love to talk more about how I can help you cope with your anger. If you’d like to discuss how to begin implementing these techniques, please click here to book a free call with me.