It’s gearing up to the winter holidays over here, and as always, when this time of year comes, I find myself thinking back to past years and how far I’ve come. Thanksgiving 2012 was the first holiday I spent any time away from my children. It was just two short weeks after learning I would be getting a divorce, and my emotions were beyond raw. I truly was still trying to make it through each moment emotionally. Thanks to time passing, I have healed, but I still have a bittersweet feeling about Thanksgiving – one of my most favorite holidays. It’s the kickoff of tons of family time and hey, that food, right? 

Once I stopped obsessing over Thanksgiving food, I started thinking about what would be helpful for someone just starting the divorce process. I knew I wanted to tell you about how my holidays have morphed, but wanted to give you some other healthy examples of how you can survive and thrive during the holidays as you go through all these changes.

Because I am so lucky to have an incredible group of women that I am friends with, I got on the horn with two lovely divorced ladies to see what their experiences were. Both Nicole and Lori were excited to share their experiences to help other moms deal with those first holidays going through a divorce or as a divorced mom. 

My Holiday Experiences

As you know I have two kiddos, now ages 14 and 18 but at the time of my separation and divorce were only 6 and 10. That first Thanksgiving, my children were only gone for a few hours while they went to visit their grandparents and other family members with their dad. It was hard. My family was here to support me the best that I could during those loooong few hours of the kids being gone, and I created a new tradition for myself: I watch Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. It’s silly, and mindless, and exactly what I needed that day. I was feeling all the feelings that day, but now, Scott is a Thanksgiving tradition (and yes, I force my family and kids to watch it with me when I am with them on Thanksgiving, too!).

The first Christmas Eve, my ex-husband came to the house to be with the kids, and he came back before they woke up Christmas morning. After opening presents, he and the kids went to visit his family for the day. I took that time to leisurely clean up and just relax.  Honestly, it was the first Christmas as a parent that I got to look at my presents on Christmas Day! And I took a bubble bath!! I definitely pampered myself to get through that day.  I wasn’t as raw as I was on Thanksgiving and knew that healing was occurring.

Now, we exchange the kids each year for the holidays and it rotates each year as to who gets what days, but it works for all of us. The kids enjoy it, and we celebrate when we are together. Sure, we have changed some things.  For example, my kids don’t dig eating Thanksgiving meal twice within a few days (they are insane). So, when I have them for the weekend following Thanksgiving, we have a big family meal, but its not the traditional meal – we go with favorites that make us all feel super happy.

The transitions weren’t easy emotionally because the holidays were so close to everything being set in motion. But, because my ex-husband and I immediately put a parenting plan into place, there was no arguing or difficulty in knowing where the kids were to be.

This year, things are a little different for us, because of the coronavirus. I will be spending Thanksgiving with my kids at their dad’s house. It will be a lot of fun, because we all enjoy being together and spend time together fairly regularly. Christmas plans with family are still up in the air, but the kids know they will be with their dad Christmas Eve and with me Christmas Day. While we are hopeful we will be able to see family, we just don’t know if that will work for us yet.

Lori’s Holiday Experiences

Now let me tell you about Lori’s experiences. Lori is the mom of two kiddos, now ages 18 and 21 but at the time of her separation and divorce were only 10 and 13. As those first winter holidays approached, they kept things as close as possible to what they had been before their separation and divorce. They had always gone to her family’s home for Thanksgiving, so that’s what they did that first year. For Christmas Eve, he spent the day with the kids and Lori at their prior home together with Lori’s family joining them. Christmas morning, he was back before the kids woke up, so that he was in their living room waiting for them, just like always.

For the first few holidays, her ex-husband continued to come to her family’s celebrations just like when they were married. Now that the kids are bigger, and time has allowed everyone to move on a bit, he doesn’t go to her family’s house for holiday celebrations. However, some traditions have remained, even as her kids have reached adulthood. He still comes to Christmas Eve at Lori’s to celebrate with the kids and her family, and he still comes over Christmas morning before the kids wake up and come downstairs.

For Lori and her ex-husband, these transitions during the holidays has been natural and pretty easy, because they continue to get along and enjoy one another’s company.

Nicole’s Holiday Experiences

Now for Nicole’s experiences. Nicole is also the mom of two kiddos, now ages 7 and 9, but at the time of her separation and divorce they were only 4 and 6. Nicole credits her and her ex-husband’s ability to get along so well with both of them being modeled as kids what healthy divorce relationships can look like. Because both experienced their parents’ divorce relationship in a positive way, Nicole and her ex-husband were easily able to do the same for themselves and their children during their separation and divorce. Their first holidays were spent all together, including visiting family, just as they had always done.

Their current holidays have become a bit more fluid. Nicole’s ex-husband does shift-work, so they work around that to ensure that he and the kids have time together over the holidays. In addition, Nicole is now dating and living with a man who also is divorced and has two tweens with his ex-wife. That’s a whole lot of logistics to work out!

No matter how the holidays work out logistically with Nicole’s boyfriend’s ex-wife and children, Nicole takes her kids to visit her ex-husband at the firehouse on Thanksgiving. This year, Nicole will have her kids on Christmas Eve, and then the kids will go with their dad on Christmas Day. Nicole stressed the importance to her that her ex-husband and her boyfriend’s ex-wife are always invited to join in when their kids are with Nicole and her boyfriend. Nicole recognizes that it’s not easy to know your kids are hanging out with other adults when you want them to be with you, so she wants to be sure that the ex-spouses always feel welcome.

These two women have such great insight and advice. What I noticed about both is that they each did exactly what their kids needed to feel safe, secure, and loved by both of their parents. They were able to create healthy relationships with their ex-spouses that work for everyone involved. 

And Now For Some Advice

When I was talking with Lori and Nicole, I noticed that all of us had the same priorities: our children and our continued relationships with our ex-spouses.

Lori had this advice to share with you:

If it’s your first holiday going through divorce, keep everything the same. Don’t try to do things different if you’re getting along with your ex (especially if your kiddos are little guys). Over time, create your own traditions, knowing that time naturally changes the way we do things.

A cute story that she shared is about the first year she told the kids she wanted to put colored lights on the tree instead of the white lights they had always had.  Both kids were not on board, and even to this day, they state they prefer when they have the white lights. The point isn’t that making changes can be difficult. The point is that even small changes can have big feelings attached to them, especially for our kids. Changing up everything may not give them the feeling of stability that they crave when their world has been changing just as much, if not more, than yours. So, keep in mind that making changes slowly may be more beneficial to your kids than doing a complete overhaul of the holidays.

If you’re having your first holiday without your children, Lori urges you to celebrate together another day, and try to enjoy the peace and quiet of your day. Take care of yourself and pamper yourself while your children are with their other parent.

Nicole had this advice for you:

Your kids are the most important thing, so you need to remember this, and check yourself if you have to. Kids pick up on your energy and feelings.  It’s our jobs as parents of younger kids to hide that from them. Yes, you’re sad, but protect them from that – they’ve already gone through so much. So put on your “big mom pants of selflessness” and protect them. Allow and encourage them to be happy to be happy to be with the other parent. When you see your kids are less sad about what’s happening in their lives, you know you’re doing the right thing.

Keep in mind also not to guilt the other parent they are with because they have the kids for a holiday. Moms and dads both have pain missing their kids on holidays. Adjusting your expectations and feelings about the holidays can have a huge impact on your relationship with your ex-spouse, as well as how your children experience holidays for the rest of their lives.

When you have a holiday that you don’t have your kids with you, take that time to find yourself and go do what makes you happy. Having that time is a blessing to you as an individual, so use it to make yourself happy.

Based on my experience, I can only add the following:

Remember that you know your children best. If you make your decisions on what is best for them, then you won’t question your decisions later as you grow and heal. Be kind to one another and encourage your children and your ex-spouse to create the relationships they want with one another.

Be easy on yourself. Be easy on your ex-spouse. We are all just trying to do the best we can with where we are in this moment.

If you’re having your first holiday without your children, do what is best for you while they are gone. Do you want to be with family? Friends? Don’t be afraid to ask for support. Remember that your friends and family aren’t going through what you’re going through. They are caught up in their own lives (as are you!) and may not see that you need something from them.  Pamper yourself, and treat yourself like you’d treat your best friend. 

I’d love to hear what your first experiences were going through separation and divorce as a mom, so please feel free to leave a comment below. As usual, if you need more support, I am always here.